Divorced: A (financial) Tell-All
Getting divorced was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time, though, I thought it was the end of me. I'd been in a loveless marriage for a while, always competing against other women for my husband's attention. But having married right out of college at the ripe old age of 22, being a wife was my identify and I had no idea how to be an adult on my own.
When I was finally on my own again, I had an army of people around me ready to help me out. But after letting someone else do all the adult things for me for so long, I wanted to see what I could do alone. During the first week that I had the house to myself again, I:
I spent so long sitting on the floor trying to hook that damn internet back up… calling AT&T again and again until I figured it out.
Called AT&T and got the internet put in my name
Switched phone plans
Started the process of refinancing my house (more on this below)
Called the city electric and water companies to get those utilities in my name
Researched (aka asked my dad) and opened a new credit card account
Contacted my company to get my direct deposit moved to my new bank account
Created a new budget based on my needs and values
Reset the smart lock on the front door so only I could control it
Reset the Nest so only I could control it
I remember being so exhausted and relieved when I had gotten all that done, and also thinking, “I never want to do that alone again.” It was such an incredible feeling, though, to have accomplished it all on my own… I wanted to shout from the rooftops, “I HOOKED UP MY OWN INTERNET!”
I’m getting ahead of myself, though. Let’s go back a few months and spill the (financial) tea about the changes I made and the things I had to do to be free.
I didn’t get a lawyer
Divorces require attorneys but I decided to skip that step. I’m not saying this was the best idea on my part, but it worked out. I was bitter that I was being subjected to a divorce when it wasn’t my choice and I wasn’t about to willingly spend my own money to hire a lawyer (again, probably not something I would recommend). My ex had secured one before he even told me what he was thinking (I found out he wanted a divorce and already had a lawyer when he used the word “irreconcilable differences” in a conversation), so I let him foot the bill while I actually had a friend-of-a-friend (a lawyer) offer me basically free (he charged me $200) advice. My ex’s lawyer wrote up all the papers, and I sent them to my lawyer friend to look over and then sent them back with our edits. Our divorce was pretty conflict-free so it worked out and I wasn’t any worse off financially.
I had to refinance my car
Honestly, the most frustrating part of the entire ordeal was this. I purchased my car brand new from Nissan in April, snagging a 0% APR deal. Just two months later, my ex dropped the bombshell that he was leaving. To remove his name from the title, I was informed by several Nissan representatives that I needed to sell the car back to Nissan and then buy a new one. Later, another rep clarified that it wasn't necessary, but by then, I'd already gone through the hassle. Buying a car is irritating on its own, but having to do it twice in such a short span was a headache. Unfortunately, the 0% APR offer had expired. With my excellent credit I managed to secure the car at 2.5%, which isn't bad, but it's certainly not 0%. If I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have bought a new car. However, I love this car and don’t have any regrets. Next time I’ll buy a used car. For now, I’m enjoying this one with a low ($351) car payment.
I had to get the house in my name
Initially he wanted the house and put it in the papers that he was getting it. I was fine with that because I wanted to be rid of any reminders of him… but then I thought better of it. That house was MY dream house in MY dream location. It was his choice to leave, so why was I the one getting kicked out? I told him I wanted the house, expecting he would fight it. Thankfully, he was quick to relent and we were off to negotiating the buy-out.
When you take someone’s name off the title of a house, you typically have to buy them out. This requires a refinancing because the money typically comes out of the home equity. For those curious, here are those numbers:
We bought the house in 2016 for $281,000. I don’t remember the interest rate but it was below 3%. The monthly payment was $1332.
We refinanced a couple years later because interest rates were even lower and switched to a 15-year. Our new monthly payment was $1650.
I refinanced and bought him out for $68,000 in 2021. The interest rate had increased at that point (3.39%) and I switched back to a 30-year. My new monthly payment was $1434 and has been that ever since.
It’s now 2024. I have about $240,000 left to pay on my house. Which is nothing compared to what people have to pay nowadays, but still disheartening to know that I could be a lot further along if I hadn’t had to buy-out my ex.
I got some starting-out money
Here’s a very brief background lesson on the division of assets in divorce: 41 of the 50 US states observe “Equitable Distribution,” which means assets are divided “fairly",” as determined by a judge, considering each individual's earning capacity, financial requirements, and personal possessions. The remaining 9 states observe “Community Property,” meaning assets are split equally between spouses. These laws come into play when the couple can’t come to an agreement on how the assets will be split. Thankfully, as I said before, our divorce was fairly conflict-free, which is good since I didn’t have my own lawyer. Tennessee is one of the “Equitable Distribution” states and I would have been screwed if we’d had a judge decide the division of assets, because for most of our marriage I was making less than he was.
That being said, he had more invested than I did in his retirement savings, so he “gave” me half of that (about 20k) by knocking the total off of my buy-out for the house. I also got half of our liquid savings, and he paid me in cash for the cost of half our airline points, so I started off my single journey with $7,500 in the bank instead of $0.
I had to create a new budget from scratch
I treated myself to a photoshoot when the dust settled so I could have pictures of my new and improved family.
This part was actually SO fun, and was the start of this whole financial coaching journey. After talking to some trusted individuals and figuring out how much I should be putting in my savings and retirement accounts each month, I divided up the rest of my expenses into a beautiful and colorful spreadsheet. My ex had a penchant for expensive whiskey and golf club memberships, and I never realized how big of a monetary chunk that took. Without having to pay $700/month for a country club and several hundred a month for whiskey, my budget was looking good. I’ve always been relatively frugal so I was able to start building up my savings pretty quickly. I loved how it felt to take control of my finances, and that’s when I started looking into helping others do the same!
I got to realign my monthly donations with my values
Tithing (giving 10% of your income) is an important aspect of the Christian faith and something I’ve always been taught to take seriously, but it’s never been something I’ve particularly enjoyed doing. When I was married before, this was another thing my ex handled completely. We gave every month but it was just kinda something I did because I had to, not because I had any choice in the matter. I’ve continued tithing monthly since getting divorced, but now I do it fully by choice and to the churches, organizations, and people that fit my (and my now-husband’s) values. This is how we split up the 10%:
50% goes to a non-profit organization we’re very involved with.
25% goes to our church.
25% goes to those in our lives who are in need at that particular moment. AKA we get to pick someone new to bless every month.
So there you have it! Divorce is never fun, but my divorce is truly what made me the woman I am today. I’m more confident, independent, and happy. I know who I am and I won’t ever let anyone squish that woman again. I discovered a huge passion of mine and now I’m lucky enough to get to share that passion with you. My hope is that through my story, others can learn and grow into better (and more financially independent) versions of themselves, too.
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